i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
True college students do jello shots in the library
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