You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
