So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
