its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
