You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
