Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
