We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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