he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
