If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I died a long time ago.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
