Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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