My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
