Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
