Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
