The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
