I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
