Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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