hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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