I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
