got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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