My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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