she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize