This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
