We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
zippers are such a cool invention
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
