I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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