im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Let's get the cat blown out
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
