Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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