I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
