After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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