I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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