im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I got inside last night via doggy door
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
