My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
