so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
