I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
