I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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