Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
