i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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