Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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