i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
