bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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