i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
