So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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