the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
