Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
