Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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