I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
