i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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