final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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