Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
