Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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