my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
