No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
