Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
