so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wish my penis had a tongue
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
