i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
