I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
