i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
