Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
