Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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